Thanks to these people who have the gift of articulating their feelings, so that I may unabashedly steal them.

" Let your tears come. Let them water your soul."

~Eileen Mayhew

" Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it."

~Albert Smith

It's so curious:  one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief.  But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.  

~Colette

Sorrow you can hold, however desolating, if nobody speaks to you.  If they speak, you break down.  

~Bede Jarrett

Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists.  

~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Every evening I turn my worries over to God.  He's going to be up all night anyway.  ~Mary C. Crowley

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief -
But the pain of grief
Is only a shadow
When compared with the pain
Of never risking love.”

~Hilary Stanton Zunin quotes

“Grief makes one hour ten”

~William Shakespeare quotes 

“No greater grief than to remember days of gladness when sorrow is at hand”

 ~Friedrich von Schiller 

“The one who loves you will make you weep.”

 ~Argentine Proverb

“Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake.”

~Victor Hugo

Sorrow is a fruit. God does not make it grow on limbs too weak to bear it.”

~Victor Hugo

“Sorrow is like a precious treasure, shown only to friends.”

~African Proverb

Thanks to Angela for posting this...sounds too familiar for my circle of lady friends.

Men In Trouble - CNN

I am a happy person. I just tend to write when I'm sad.

I would like to sob, please. I just want to make a tent in my bed like a child, crawl in, and stay there all day long, with a fan on in the background, and rain against my window.

“When you accept everything for what it is, without labels, you are outside of your ego.” ~Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”

I am very aware of, and confused by, my mortality today.

Devil's Snare

How do you know whether that guilty, nagging feeling is God's urging or Satan's seed of doubt?

I am definitely feeling convicted of selfishness, which I feel has been a relatively consistent theme for me. I have always gone through emotionally inspired bouts of service, working at various churches, sponsoring children, or giving more than 10% tithe, but it always sees an end. There is always a reason to stop something, to put your own needs first, to save your money, energy, time.

It is easier to take someone's kindness, to appreciate someone's love, admiration, help, generosity, whatever, when you are doing your part in keeping the circle revolving. But when the dime stops with you, and you just hoard the good without passing it forward, I think that's when the guilt begins to heap upon itself, until there is a sizable pile of wealth saved up, and for what? What are you going to do with all of those compliments, kind sentiments, moneys...
"Don't store up your treasure, where it becomes dusty and moth-eaten"... or however that verse goes.

I have always wondered where that line is, and what service looks like for different people. I will never serve as a paster, priest, preacher, pop star, or president. So in terms of most obvious service, I'm not cut from that cloth. Some of the most generous people I've met are simply patient and earnest listeners, which I know is a powerful form of service. But for me, is that enough? Definitely not, because although I love to listen, I'm far too verbal. Am I a soup kitchen girl, or a church serving chick? I can't tell if the fact it doesn't resonate with me means it's not for me, or that I am being holier-than-thou, lazy, or scared. Am I a money donater, who just needs to buck up her penpal skills to these children, or close my eyes and sign that check, to whatever church I'm going (or not going) to this week? Does it count to tithe toward a church you are not committed to? Are you judged for reading or not reading your bible or attending or not attending church and just going through worshipful motions? I miss church. So why am I sitting here? Is that me? Is that Satan?

I know that questions are a good thing, and that sarcasm and cynicism share a part of my personality, but at what point does that become less personality and more evil-inspired? The majority of my negativity is in jest, but I do believe that it seeps in eventually, and taints more genuine, heart-felt, and positive feeling. And becomes a hindrance. Negative thoughts stop you from chasing dreams, taking risks, giving your whole heart, whether to service, another person, a cause, an aspiration.

My heart is swollen, and my brain is tired.

Today

Seems like a silly title for a post, and it is, but I still think it is apt. Because not only am I talking about today, but I'm talking about today. Read on:

Today, as in Monday, the 22nd of August, 2011, has been one of those days I would like a do-over for, but fear would go the exact same way. I actually got a full amount of sleep last night, uninterrupted...from 9:30 to 8:11! I don't think I've gotten that much sleep in a legitimate night in years. So I woke up, putzed around, and then...went back to bed for a few hours, because I was bored, and the seemingly menial tasks I should have been doing were overwhelming. It's always easier to just be unconscious than to dwell on what you're not doing. Hence going back to bed.

When I got up for "real", I ate some yogurt, begrudgingly unpacked and tried to get rid of some clutter (partially succeeding, which will have to count as progress in my book today), took a shower, did some laundry, and tried to get some things off of my mind. I was unsuccessful with the latter, and instead decided to engage, cautiously, in one of my first political conversations with incredibly informed people. I figured they'd find me out the minute I posted my thoughts, but surprisingly, no one has shot me down as being completely ignorant yet. Again, I will take it. I then spent the following 20 minutes researching politics just to feel a little smarter. If there's one thing I miss about commutes, it's listening to NPR, and then being able to use the small tidbits I picked up on in real life. Like when I won points at Trivia Night for the word Filibuster. My crowning glory.

I'm sitting in my only partially dingy living room, in my gym clothes, mentally preparing to venture out into the sunshine for the first time today (now, being almost 4pm...I am a loser) to grocery shop, go to spinning class for the first time in forever (that's bound to be painful), and visit with a friend. So I guess, following the pattern that has been my day, I only half-failed at being productive today. If only I had read more or been on my computer less, or just been less bored and pensive.

Now, as for today as in, the age my generation is a part of, my today life instead of my future life, or my past life (not reincarnation life...just younger life), I need to figure out how to just think about today and not freak out about what may or may not be coming in the future. But I also need to think about it so I can plan for it, because, hey, I'm not going to live forever, and I don't want to sabotage my future self because my present self is not "with it". If only I could invite my future self over for a cup of coffee (even though I don't have a coffee maker) and we could just hash some things out.

For instance, I don't want to fret about whether or not I am going to find someone, or have kids, or be a teacher, or a singer, or a professional hobo. I don't want to think about the band breaking up, which is unfortunately inevitable someday, or about moving or dying or sickness or money. But don't you have to plan for some of that? And what about the list of things you want to accomplish before death? There are some that belong on that list that I just can't post here, but man, I wish those opportunities would just present themselves already! I mean, what does a girl have to do around here?!

I want my future self to take noncredit courses for fun, have more hobbies, understand politics, be financially secure, have a dream job, be successful, and cool, and busy and, most importantly, love every minute of it. Is there a book on that? Not a self-help book. Like a magic book? Maybe I should just venture on down to Salem and troll for some helpers. I'm on it.

Taking advantage of my rare desire to write

As scattered as this may be, I actually have a surge of wanting to write, so let's DO this.

I am going through another period of self-frustration. On a daily basis, I just canNOT get over how blessed I am to have the people I do in my life, and I just canNOT shake the worry that at some point, I will exhaust their generosity, and that phase of friendship will be over. It's happened before, and just seems to be the trend I create. Hopefully, I am just over-dramatizing my own track record. But every day I pledge to myself that I will show just how appreciative I am of the relationships I have, but by the day's end, I am angry with myself for either failing, or showing it in a way that can be easily misinterpreted, and instead get me into a cute little pickle. I dig myself little holes, and then wonder how I got there. I am still wading in this weird middle, where I want to handle situations like the adult that I am, but then expect that if I flub up, people will give me the leeway that they would have if I were still a decade younger.

It is a funny thing, relationships. They really are very delicate. I find that I'm caught in this weird limbo that I have never quite mastered, where I either feel I'm taking people for granted and manipulating a relationship subconsciously, or I'm over-showing my love for them, which eventually must be stifling. Not in a "here are some roses, oh let me get that for you, what a nice dress you're wearing, it complements your eyes, I baked you a pie" sort of over-show, but more of an, "are you sure you want to do this for/with me? Thank you for listening to me babble for the zillionth time, Am I being rude by taking this phone call? Here's another card to show how big a fan I am!" over-show. Otherwise known as paranoia. I'm paranoid about losing a good thing. And who isn't? I know I'm no different than anyone else. Just maybe a tad more verbal.

I am also not good at following social norms. For instance, I will discuss things that might be considered "TMI" to someone I consider close, even if all signs point to "un-smart" (otherwise known as stupid). I am very impulsive when it comes to dealing with friends. I will lay all facts out on the table for them to consider, so that whatever we are discussing has all sides exposed. I ask tons of questions about their life, out of sheer curiosity. This can get me into trouble, because it may seem like I'm fishing for a compliment, needing encouragement, taking a particularly special interest in their life, or insinuating something that I don't mean to. Or sometimes selfishly DO, but am too impulsive to stop myself from reconsidering. For years, I have been trying to master the idea that I should keep quiet, but it's just not in my make-up. I have a small streak of manipulation, matched with a lack of filter, genuine wonderment, unbridled emotion, selfish ambition, service, and romanticism. In other words, I'm Italian and Jewish. If those were colors, that might be an ugly stinkin' rainbow.

I think I've lost my own train of thought in this unorganized typing throw-up that's presently occurring. But I guess the occasionally accidental "cryptic" post is fine by me. If you've followed it, mad props. If you haven't, my apologies.

Danny and Me

I was besties with Chicago founding member and original drummer Danny Seraphine. I think he thought I was cute. And if he didn't...he did. Just go with it.

I love these boys.